4 C's of A Healthy Sexual Ethic
When I first started dating guys, I was like a 15-year-old boy in a 24-year-old’s body. I had no idea what I was doing, I was impulsive, immature, and messy! I looked to Scripture to inform my dating and sex life but found that there really wasn’t a one size fits all ideal model upheld in Scripture or cultural traditions. Even the New Testament writings that are often lifted as an ideal have some very problematic prescriptions and descriptions. Nonetheless, I personally believe we can allow Scripture to still inform our sexual ethics while also allowing tradition, reason, and experiences to inform our ethics. My hope here is to share an inclusive and life-giving sexual ethic that I hope informs how we live, love, and have sex. I have spent a lot of time over the last seven years reading, listening, therapizing, and discussing the topic of sexual ethics. I realize that my beliefs are always evolving and changing as I gain greater understanding but for now I have landed on the four C’s of a healthy and inclusive sexual ethic. Like a good ex-evangelical, I had to make my points in alliteration. :)
Consent. Consent can be withdrawn at any time (even during sex). Consent, when it is applied to sex, means there is no obligation, manipulation, or assumption. Consent is not given with your body or by what you’re wearing — only with your words. Consent also definitely exists within and outside of marriage. Consent should be an “enthusiastic yes!” no matter the type of relationship you engage in.
Did you know that 1% of society identifies on the spectrum of asexual? This group is most commonly described as someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction. In reality, you may not experience sexual attraction but still want to have sex for emotional reasons, because you’re bored or want to feel closer to your partner. For many who identify as asexual, it can be a difficult journey navigating consent when their motives for engaging or not engaging in sex can be nuanced. Not all relationships will embrace the traditionally informed ideas of physical intimacy and that is something you and or your partner(s) are invited to determine and consent to or not! Read more about ACE folks.Care. Sex has the ability to both harm or harmonize. What makes good sex is when all people come into the experience not just thinking about what they can get out of it, but also what they can give to it. Care for your neighbor as you care for yourself. I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with this one because they can only care for others to the measure they can care for themselves. And some of us don’t care for ourselves very much. Care implores us to ask the question, “Is having sex with this person(s), the most caring thing I can do for them and me?” For example, if you know someone is in a vulnerable place post-breakup and under normal circumstances wouldn’t have sex with you, but you take advantage of this moment, was this the most caring thing to do? If someone asks you to have sex with them but you know their relational covenant with their partner doesn’t allow for this, is this the most caring thing you can do? Not all sexual interactions are just between the people engaging in them, sometimes we have to ask who this human is tethered to and be mindful of your care for them too. Are you getting tested regularly? Discussing protection or contraceptives? Are you taking care of your partner's needs as well as your own?
Covenant. Covenant is an agreement. You can have a covenant with yourself, and you can also have a covenant with other people. Covenant with yourself is determining what you are and aren’t comfortable with doing with your own body. Are you comfortable watching porn? Masturbating? Hooking-up? Have sex with people you date? BDSM? Ethical non-monogamy? When you break your covenant with yourself, you can often feel the same feelings of betrayal as when you break agreements with others. In addition to covenants with yourself, for those in relationships, marriages, dating, etc. each person determines what the covenant, boundaries, and expectations of their relationship will be for one another. The other great thing about covenants is they are a living entity within a relationship that grows and adapts to the times and circumstances. They can be mutually amended and adjusted; they’re binding only in so much as you have committed to honor the boundaries set by one another until discussed and decided otherwise. As long as what's in your covenant doesn’t cause harm, it's for you to decide what happens within and outside of your covenantal relationship. Covenants have historically been prescribed to people by those in power in government, the church, arranged marriages, or (for example) in our modern context of a father giving his blessing for his daughter's hand in marriage. But let's redeem this concept as something that can be helpful when used equitably with care and consent in mind.
Communication. Communication is what holds all of this together. Without the ability to communicate, you won’t be able to share your boundaries for developing a covenant and your enthusiastic consent. Without communication, you also aren’t able to know a person well enough to ensure that any forms of intimacy you’re engaging in are the most caring thing for you and for others. Nothing about sexual ethics is simple or easy. It’s messy. Any time our bodies are involved, we are bound to hurt ourselves or others at some point because we are vulnerable; the hurt can also happen within the confines of marriage where folks often think they’re the safest to engage in sex. But the reality is, that there is no perfect context on a pedestal that will prevent challenges. Because of this, we require the ability to communicate, to ask and grant grace, and to grow and express all of the difficult emotions that can arise. If someone can’t talk about sex, then they’re likely not ready to have it. Sex requires us to communicate. Communication is the bedrock of a healthy sexual ethic and ensures that consent, care, and covenant are fully embodied.
These are convictions that have shaped me. These aren’t beliefs held by everyone at Forefront and that’s okay because Forefront isn’t united by shared beliefs but by shared values. Under those values are a wide expression of beliefs, traditions and practices. And so I invite you to consider what values, convictions and beliefs inform how you live in your body and interact with others. I wholeheartedly believe that everything is spiritual, and so I implore you to examine how Scripture, tradition, reason and your own experiences have informed and can continue to inform a healthy sexual ethic.
Josh Lee
Co-Pastor (he/him)
Rev. Josh Lee is Forefront's Community Pastor. His experiences have exposed him to a wide spectrum of thought, that compelled him to create greater unity among diversity. He has served as an Associate Pastor in the Assemblies of God & United Methodist Church, Youth Director in the American Baptist Church, Senior Pastor at an Independent Christian Church, and most recently as Co-Pastor at an Inter-denominational Church. Throughout his career and education, he has lived at the intersectionality of both the Christian and LGBTQIA+ community, instilling him with empathy to love God and people without exception.
Josh earned his Bachelor of Arts degree in Pastoral Studies from Moody Bible Institute and his Master of Divinity from Garrett Theological Seminary and is ordained in the United Church of Christ.
At Forefront, Josh preaches regularly, while also helping newcomers assimilate, providing pastoral care and opportunity for growth, and connection by working with our deacons in the areas of Connection and Justice and Kidstuf.